25% Off

Every Monday I utitilse the 02 Priority app on my phone to get a cheap lunch. This isn't just any cheap lunch. This is lunch for a quid. Yep, one solitary pound. Boots, the department store in town, let anyone wielding the correct 15 digit code, get a nice sandwich, nicer cake and a drink for just 100 pence. Normally the stuff would cost about £7 individually, or £3.29 on Boots's own meal deal.

Quids in!

I've been doing this for a while now and the only arse ache is that there is poxy network coverage inside the store, so you have to step outside to get the code up. Added to that is the 5 minute countdown from you activating the offer, to it expiring. No real problem though as the doorway is 20 yards from the food, which is a further 10 yards from the tills.

Simple.

Today I was about to pay for my stuff when the guy at the next till started moaning to the female cashier (and her female supervisor, that he'd demanded to speak to) about not getting a phone signal within the shop. He was lamenting that he had to wait "10 minutes every time" just to get coverage and that their wi-fi wasn't functioning correctly. He clearly thought it was their fault and wouldn't let either get a word in when they tried to respond. I took my phone and went:

"Excuse me, I get the same problem. Coverage is bad in here but it's not their fault, it's a network issue."

He nods at what I've said and carries on moaning at the two cashiers, misunderstanding my motivation for speaking up and assuming I'm sympathising with him.

"You see, he has the same problem. I have to wait 10 minutes, it's not acceptable."

I try again. "No, I mean it's an issue with your network. I've just had to step outside to get the code. There's no wi-fi in Boots, it's not their fault. It's a problem with your network coverage, you need to take it up with them."

There's a momentary pause while the two women look at him hopefully but it doesn't sink in and instead he curls his lip at me and goes:

"What's it got to do with you. Why don't you mind your own business?"

Typical aggressive dick. He's just received an explanation but is determined to have a good old fashioned moan at people who can't answer back and resents anyone tying to prevent that. I reply:

"Because I don't like the way you're talking to them. Instead of bullying the women why don't you just piss off?!!"

He gets immediately riled, steps back from his till and steps into my personal space, sneering "Don't tell me to piss off!"

I shove him in the chest as hard as I can with both hands and he staggers back then goes "Don't you push me!" and gets primed to throw a punch. I adopt the same stance and am expecting this to come to blows when he changes his mind. Another guy then stands in between us and asks us politely to calm down. The supervisor begins ringing her "call for assistance" bell repeatedly and in a few seconds a nervous looking security guard turns up and stands behind him.

"You told me to piss off AND you pushed me!" he says loudly.

"Because you're being rude and you got in my face. Why don't you take a deep breath, calm down and just knock it off. I've explained the situation to you, stop being aggressive."

"I'm not aggressive, you're the one who's being aggressive." He turns back to the cashier and demands that they send a complaint on his behalf to head office about having to wait for 10 minutes for the cheap lunch code AND that another customer told him to "piss off".

I take my spectacles off and put them on the counter. "Why don't you also mention that I pushed you in the chest after you weighed up to me?"

"Nothing to do with you, mind your own business."

"Haven't you got anything better to do than take your moods out on innocent people?"

I look to the worried security guard and go "Seriously?" gesturing to the irate bloke he's stood behind. The guard  shrugs and looks embarrassed, possibly one of the breed that can't get physical unless it's self defence or first aid.

The guy stood in between us again mumbles for us to calm down. I look at him and ask "You with him?" assuming he might be the guy's son or friend. He says "yes" and I extend my hand. "No hard feelings but he's being a serious idiot." He shakes my hands and goes "I know, but...."

I look to the supervisor and ask her to call the police. The elderly cashier I'm facing is still holding the card payment machine, waiting for my pin number. I enter it and go "Sorry about that, can I have a bag?" She smiles, goes "No problem" then bags my stuff and I leave, the bloke still chuntering at the till while the security guards stands there saying nothing.

When I got home I analysed this and broke it down into good and bad points. In my opinion they are as follows.

Good

1). Stood up for what I perceived to be bullying against other people.

2). Used a clearance strike as soon as my personal space got invaded.

3). Didn't back down and used neutral language to try and reason with the guy.

Bad

1). Possibly shouldn't have got involved at all.

2). Swore at him, inflaming his anger.

3). Didn't take my glasses off as soon as I'd pushed him away.

4). Didn't' have my hands up after I'd pushed him away.

75% correct. Room for improvement.

For Once It Went Right

A story to warm the cockles of your heart. Told to me by my friend yesterday about her 12 year old  nephew Alan.

Alan was on his way to school with a mate when he stopped to wait for another friend. A group of 14 year old boys from their school then stopped in front of them and one said to Alan "What the fuck are you looking at?"

Alan replied "I'm not looking at you mate, I'm just waiting for my friend."

The lad again demanded to know "What the fuck" Alan was looking at while his own mates were loudly encouraging him to punch Alan....which he did.

Instead of hitting back, Alan simply held up his hands, palms out in a placating gesure and said "Look mate, I'm not going to fight you I'm just waiting for my mate."

The lad punched him again and this time Alan said "I warn you, I do kickboxing, if you hit me again I'll hit you back."

The boy hit Alan a third time and Alan responded with one punch which broke the other boy's jaw.

Alan's mother got a phone call from the school, demanding that she come in immediately. When she arrived the bully's mother was already there and began screaming at her, saying she was going to get Alan arrested for 'beating up' her son and how Alan was an 'animal'.

After speaking to both Alan and a teacher, his mother got a full picture of what had happened. Reemerging she was met with the same screeching woman and shut her up by shouting back "HE LEARNED KICKBOXING FROM ME. IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'LL MAKE YOU SHUT UP!" 

After some semblance of calm was achieved, the lad was found to be falsely claiming that Alan had attacked him in an unprovoked assault and had his mates backing him up. Alan's mother then pointed out the black eye and other bruises on Alan's face and questioned how he could have 'beaten up' the other lad if, as all witnesses said, he'd only thrown one punch.

The school wanted to put Alan in detention for 2 weeks but his mother denied it, saying the other boy was two years older; that Alan had only hit him once; and that as it had happened outside of school it was technically a matter for the police who she would go to if they didn't drop it. To ensure he wasn't put in detention she also collected him from school every afternoon.

Eventually, after looking into the matter properly the school found that the other lad had indeed started it and suspended him for 2 weeks. To really sweeten the deal, they waited until he'd got discharged from hospital and THEN activated the suspension meaning it couldn't run concurrently.

Go Alan.