Chav Maga

In the 4-ish years I've been doing Krav Maga, I've only had to use it twice in "real life". Once was this incident while I was on holiday last summer in Crete. Very minor, no harm done and being drunk I fumbled what I intended to do but it worked anyway.

Today it happened again and like before, it wasn't a heroic battle between good and evil with me standing howling over the twitching corpse of my vanquished foe. It was solved through the lower scales of conflict resolution that we are taught in Krav training.

I was at work (I deliver stuff) and met a particularly unpleasant woman who refused to sign for a parcel for her neighbour and got lippy about various trivial stuff before marching back indoors with the words "I'm not arguing with you about it."

As I finished what I was doing I pulled the communal door to the apartments shut and it closed with a loud bang. Not my intention, but shit happens.

As I got to the street there was an elderly couple standing near my van and the woman asked if I'd mind posting a letter for her.

"Well we don't normally but no problem my dear, I don't mind doing...."

"DO YOU MIND NOT SLAMMING THE FRONT DOOR LIKE THAT?!! THE BABY'S ASLEEP!"

I turn to find the gobby woman standing fuming in the driveway leading to her flat. The old couple look embarrassed and I feel my temper fraying.

"I'm not talking to you, go away." I turn my back on her and resume my chat with the old couple.

"DON'T SLAM MY FUCKING DOOR LIKE THAT, I'M REPORTING YOU TO YOUR COMPANY!!"

She slams the communal gate harder than I shut the front door, presumably determined to make certain her baby stays awake. I lose my rag, and yell after her:

"Piss off you fucking silly cow!!!"

As I turn back to the old couple who are now silent with confusion and embarrassment, the gate creaks open again and I'm confronted with the sight of her boyfriend. He has a baseball cap on, baggy shorts, and a large, faded tattoo on his neck. He's also got his right hand stuck to the depth of his wrist...down the front of his shorts.

"What'd you say?" he mumbles.

I take my earphones from around my neck and put them in my pocket and sigh "You ARE joking me?!"

"What'd you say? The baby's sleeping, don't slam the fucking door like that!!"

His atrocious missus then starts the predictable mantra.

"Leave it babe, babe...leave it...come inside babe!"

"You mind not holding your dick when you're talking to me?!"

He moves closer, still with his hand firmly gripping his knob and I take one step back with my right foot and put my arms up in the best 'Geoff Thompson' stance, left arm forward, right arm half extended, palms up.

"Back off, just stay away."

"Babe, come in. Leave it babe!"

"What you gonna do?!" he smirks, getting closer, when he makes contact with my left hand I shove him away.

"FUCK OFF!!!"

He backs off but continues making threats as he moves away towards the gate. "What you gonna do?"

"Seriously mate, just get lost. What YOU gonna do anyway? Wipe the hand you've had your cock in on me?"

He glares at me from the gate with his hand still cuddling his genitals and then mumbles something more about what I think I'm going to do then disappears.

I turn back to the old couple, who have their mouths open silently.

"Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen. More than happy to post your letter for you my love, you have a good day."

Postman Pat vs. Chav

Postman Pat vs. Chav

(or…Verbal Reasoning & Lateral Thinking vs. Verbal Aggression & Obnoxiousness)

Walking with my postal wagon down the road today (big red trolley thing containing the mail, all packets and my lunch) and a young man aged about 17 wearing a pair of headphones was walking on a collision course towards me. He could politely be described as casually dressed, with a baseball cap, grubby jeans, hoody and a screaming case of acne or more accurately as a stereotypical Chav.

At the last moment he steps to one side and I nod acknowledgment and say “thanks mate.”

He takes one earphone out and goes “what?”

I take both my earphones out and repeat “thanks mate.”

He glares at me and then sneers “Thought you’d have moved out the way for me!”

After  pause I reply “Err…I’m the one pushing the big, heavy, hard-to-move-out-the-way thing.”

“You fucking prick!”

“Charming, you have a good day yeah” (I go to move away).

He glares at me, steps a couple of feet back and then says “You wouldn’t be smiling if I was to take a blade to you and wipe that smile off your face.”

I look back and smile again then take some mail out of the front of the wagon. “Big scary guy like you, ooh! Wouldn’t want to mess with you would I?” I slam the hatch.

“No you wouldn’t, if I wanted to I could have you lying on the floor in 5 seconds flat.”

He is WELL out of striking distance and has his hands jammed into his front jeans pockets. His tone is flat and unthreatening and it’s clear that he’s simply monologuing a stream of threats that he’s used times before.

I wave my hand at him. “Not talking to you any more, go away.” I take a bundle of mail and go to move to the next house.

“What you say?”

“You deaf as well? Fuck off!”

“Seriously mate if I didn’t have somewhere to be I’d lay you out right now.”

He walks back so I stand on the other side of the wagon and decide on a compromise between walking off and having to actually engage the little shit. “I’m bored of this. Tell you what…!” I put one earphone back in and hold the cable halfway up and pretend to press a button with my thumb. In my ear are AC/DC demanding to know Who Made Who?

“What you gonna call the old bill or something?”

I smile and hold up my hand for quiet and then pretend to have the following conversation:

“Voice activate number 5. (Pause). Hello, police please. (Longer pause). Hello mate, yes can I have police assistance to outside 23 Letsby Avenue, Leamington Spa. IC3** male, about 17 years of age is threatening me and being verbally abusive. I’m a postman so I’m concerned about the integrity of the mail.”

The Chav continues to just stare blankly at me.

“My name, (false laugh). No I can’t tell you that as he’s standing here listening to me. Ok, thanks. See you in 5.”

I pretend to hang up and say brightly, “Whatever you’re thinking of doing you’ve got about 5 minutes so be quick.”

He steps back again and mumbles, “If I didn’t have to be somewhere I’d just stand here and wait for them, I’m not afraid of the filth.”

“Good for you, that’s the spirit. You have a good day yeah.”

 He slopes off up the road.

Job done.

----------------------

** Black.